dis/engage

Recently I've been struggling with one of my recurring bouts of anxiedepressinsecurity--this time, though, I'm starting to see a little more of a pattern in how I approach life. In my social life, in bigger tasks, and even in everyday life. I engage to a point, I'm not as successful as I would like, then I burn out easily and go back to disengaging (disengaging often looks like web-surfing or browsing book stores, with no real intention to sit and read).I go through spurts where I initiate more friendships, I go through phases where I try a new ministry, a new group, etc. But it doesn't take too long before I lose steam and I just don't feel the need to work so hard. I get sick of being in charge and can't wait until I can just kick back and be by myself again.

I covered a lot of this, actually, in my previous post about my dream (which is no longer viewable, but oh well). But what I am realizing is that same 'tourist tendency' is brought into my social life as well--I am interested in being a part of a social group for my own sense of well-being, but the thought of having to put extended effort into it overwhelms me and makes me want to disengage.Is it just laziness? In some ways, yes, but there is more to it than that. Take the whole issue of social competence. Even the thought of thinking more of what I wear, how to appear confident, reading social situations, etc, just seems so daunting, because there is this underlying sense that no matter how hard I try I will never succeed in the way I would like, and, extra kicker, that I will lose myself in the process. The genuineness that I value so incredibly highly will diminish if I start down the road of thinking about the impression I give, the more superficial aspects of getting along socially. I will get sucked into something that won't let go, and I'll be giving into the same culture that cruelly excludes those who don't keep up with the polish, the success, the confidence that we all prize so highly.

I do have this nagging anxiety that any step toward conforming to what our culture values, be it style, property, success, or whatever, will quickly eat me alive and I'll lose any sense of living how Christ calls us to live, and valuing what he calls us to value. Am I over-fearing this? I also seem to hear an alternate call, a calmer voice that tells me that engaging in social and cultural norms is actually a part of valuing myself, of choosing to engage and see myself as a valuable member of society. But I just don't know. What is healthy engagement, and what is compromise?